Can a day be both your worst day and your best day?

I’ll tell you this story so you can decide for yourself.

As all the stories I tell have lessons, this lesson has not fully hit me as I am in the midst of it. Still crying about it and not sure how to process all of it. STILL worried about how to handle it after all of this time. Mostly, the message is an extension of the message from last week: Speaking your truth, being true to yourself, etc. This is a difficult thing to do. I know. Living my truth is what this story is about, well that, and so much more.

The worst day of my life was May 3, 1986.

I was a high school junior, finishing the school year early in order to not have final exams interrupted by my pending situation.

Without knowing it, on this day, I pledge to be angry at myself for the next 30 years. Using it as fodder for self-loathing whenever I needed it. It is hard for me, now- (today especially) to call what occurred a mistake. Actually, it feels really, really wrong to think of it that way but, for the majority of 10,950 days…all of my adult life…I have taken every opportunity to beat myself up about it.

Here are some examples of my self-loathing rituals:

I am still paying for college because I didn’t enroll right after high school because my life drama made school hard for me and I wasn’t college material at age 18.

The right men were not attracted to me because of what I put my body through at too young of an age.

I am an embarrassment to my family because of what I did.

People in my life do not respect me because of how I handled the situation. 

Because.

Because.

Because.

Bullshit.

Bullshit.

Bullshit.

I feed myself this bullshit for 30 years.

Then comes why May 3 is now the best day. Oh, wait, I didn’t even tell you exactly why May 3 was my worst day and I want to skip to the best day part.  I’ll get to that. May 3 is now my best day…..

……because I honored my heart even though people tried to stop me.

…..because even though I didn’t love myself that much, I sent my love outside of myself AND it boomeranged.

…..because at age 16, I understood unconditional love even though I had not fully experienced it myself.

Where was I on May 3, 1986? What was I doing? What did I do to make it the worst day, you are wondering?

I was standing just outside a large glass window, looking at the most beautiful baby boy I had ever seen, saying my good byes.

Upset doesn’t begin to describe what I was going through. It wasn’t the decision to put my son up for a adoption that was as upsetting to me as the fact of what I had done, getting pregnant that is. All the pain I was causing to all involved, and the incredible amount of shame. Then to see him, all cute, pudgy and innocent, what about him?

Here is where it gets good.

Him.

He is good.

He is very good.

He has a loving family and is enjoying his life.

How do I know this?

He found me a few months ago and we have been talking ever since.

So TODAY, on his birthday, May 3 2017, I for the first time, I'm able to tell him directly, “Happy Birthday, I am glad you were born.”

I can’t be sorry, he is just too beautiful of a soul.

I can’t call what I did a mistake. He is a caring, intelligent man- that is no mistake.

I went against what most were telling me to do back then. I had two strong supporters but most were reluctant, some resentful, and others straight-up rude and disrespectful towards me and my decisions. I listened to my heart, I am so glad I did. Not succumbing to the pressure from others on how to make a decision for myself and my son was difficult but so worth it.

 I sent him love every day, never knowing how, when, or if it would be returned.

Now I can start doing that for myself.

May 3, of every year will remind me of this and is now my best day, my most favorite day of the year.

I hope I have inspired you to love yourself a bit more, be yourself a bit more, or even start respecting other peoples’ choices better. 

I have learned something else, what I know to be TRUTH:

No human on this earth is a mistake. Every human being on this earth is entitled to unconditional love.

Love and Light,

Tricia

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December 2016 Guidance

It is time to take a serious look at your life. Is it going per your preferences, your values and umm…your dislikes? This is important. Do you attend to things in your life that you do not want to? I am not talking about doing the dishes or taking out the garbage. Those are necessary things that remind us to be grateful for food, clean water and life comforts. December represents the number 12, it is here to reminds us to both take a leadership role (1) in our lives as well as be sensitive (2) to what we desire.

Recently, it came to my attention that people often choose things that make them feel bad. Watching reality TV, animal abuse information on Facebook, the evening news…etcetera. I use to reminisce about a past event, I wonder why I choose this activity when I realized it made me feel bad. It amounted to beating myself up for a failure several decades old. I stopped doing it because it wants helpful and it just brought me down. Is there some activity you engage in that makes you feel bad? Or makes you feel anything less than joy? Consider not engaging in it anymore. Here is some support for you this month, according to your birthday.    

To calculate your Life Path Number, add all the digits of your birth date until you get a single digit. For example November 30, 1975 is calculated: 1+1+3+1+9+7+5 = 27,  2+7 = 9. This person’s Life Path Number is a 9 so they would scroll down to "9". For extra guidance use all the numbers in your numerology this month. In the example this DOB would use the 2, 7 and 9 Life Paths.

 Life Path 1- When was the last time you took several days to be in joy? Yes, several days in a row with nothing but blissful things? A "stay-cation" if money is tight. Do it. Plan it. BE. ON. VACATION.

Life Path 2- You can do better to attend to yourself. Please put yourself and your needs first for one day this month. Just one day. You can do it.

Life Path 3- When did you last have your heart checked? Fitness, love, kindness, moods…these are all the business of the heart.  You need to be able to complete all of your joy assignments, your heart needs to be strong to do this.

Life Path 4-For the last time, might we suggest you going with the flow? The last time in 2016, that is. You won’t regret it. Review things you have learned about The Law of Attraction and The Law of Resistance. I have a few videos you can review if you’d like on my Facebook page.  

 Life Path 5- You are not one to complain when ______. (fill in the blank) That is your only clue. Look at your life and see where you do less complaining- spend more time in that space so the complaining doesn’t become a theme for 2017. Unless you like complaining, some people do.

Life Path 6- For the reminder of the year, see if you can participate in all the things that bring you joy. Invite someone to go with you, if they do not want to come along, go by yourself. Pleasure does not need to be a group activity. It can be and must be a solitary one at times.

Life Path 7- Be not out done by your wit this year. (Your drive to consume knowledge can make you dull.)You can have both intelligence and a good time. If you are bored- that means you are boring.  So, don’t be boring. It is that simple.

Life Path 8- Put your money where your mouth is. Is there something you are paying lip service to but have not invested in it? The activities you engage in are nice but where can your money make money? Sorry, fun time is over, if it is not making money- it is a hobby.

Life Path 9- For the first time in a long time you are thinking about your future. How do you want it to roll out? Next year is important for you. Make sure you are not relying on someone (boss, spouse) to get you unstuck. Your thoughts have you where you are, not your circumstances.

Love and Light,

Tricia

A Gift for Yourself

This could make you sad or even cry, if you're not in the mood for that today, come back another time. It is an older post with an update.

I awoke recently with a very pleasant feeling. The feeling was almost overwhelming. It was similar to falling in love. Bliss, maybe? Before I opened my eyes, I search my brain for what could have stirred up such an emotion.

A wonderful dream.

I play it over in my brain, putting it in order. Three men stared in my dream. One is an old classmate, Curt. The second man, I do not know, appeared only one time standing between the other two men. The last is a very tall blond, we have just started dating. I know he was the one who sent me into bliss.

I am in a dimly lit tunnel. Everyone around me is rushing. I feel the need
to get somewhere too.  A familiar face comes into view, it is my friend Curt.
He is here to help me.  But no! He violently slams me to the ground.

Everyone is gone and I cannot get to where I need to go. I am sad,
broken and naked. Aware of my nakedness, I search for clothing but
cannot lift my arms to put it on. The tall blond man appears.
He helps me to my feet. Standing naked in front of him,
he dresses me. There is a smile on his face.  

I am in a clothing store, the three men appear at the front. I notice it is Curt,
another man and the blond I had been dating. Memories of the tunnel
fill my head. I want to avoid Curt but I need to avoid the blond man
more. He had seen me sad, broken, and naked. Embarrassment
and shame rush in when I recall the smile on his face.

I sneak around toward the exit, I am almost there when
someone grabs my arm. It is the blond man. He is smiling that
smile again. It feels different this time. “You are smiling that smile,
what does it mean? Why do you smile at me like that?” He says;
“I have seen all of you; your pain, your hurt, your broken bones.
I have seen all of you and…

I love you.”

The dream ends with him about to kiss me thus creating that blissful feeling upon me as I woke. The men represent my past, present and future. Curt represents my past self, the one that slammed me down to the ground when I needed to do something important. The man I don’t know, is my current self. The blond man is my future self. He represents the bliss I can feel if I allow myself to be vulnerable.

I found many meanings in this dream but the main message is clear: your future holds bliss if you can allow yourself to be vulnerable. What a gift I have been given with this message.

Give yourself a gift and listen to your dreams, both in wake and sleep.

Update: The past has recently slammed down again in wake because I allowed myself to be vulnerable. The pain from allowing yourself to be vulnerable (true authentic self) is not for sissies. It helps if you think of the pain as not being yours(detachment). Treat it as if it does not belong to you. Observe it without judgement.  Allow it, as you would a toddler, to have its tantrum. It will pass. It will pass. Your vulnerability has a beautiful side effect. It helps you see who you can trust. (yourself) Feelings of irritation and annoyance with people and situations have already clued you in but you have not learned to trust nor understand all of your emotions/feelings yet- do not be angry at yourself for this realization. If you have had many warnings,do not be upset about this either. It is your job to love and trust…it is your natural state, a blissful state- yes?   

Vulnerability, if you let yourself be so, will set you free.   

Love and Light,
Tricia

September Book Launch Special

Book Launch Special

Purchase my book and a 60 minute session with me in September is only:

$33

60 minute Session includes:

~Basic Numerology
~Fitness that fits you best
~How to use your numbers
 

Use my book, to supplement your reading with me. "Say Yes to Who You Are to Create FITNESS" will help you organize a fitness schedule as well as provide tips and support for your wellness journey!

Saturday, September 3  I'll be at The Sweet Spot- stop by to book/have a session with me. Sessions this day are on a first come first served basis. Taking bookings for Tuesday and Thursdays in September. Credit cards excepted, cash preferred.